Inspired by the photo of Virgin boss Richard Branson promoting his new TV channel, Virgin 1, and by the image of Microsoft founder Bill Gates, above, meeting and greeting fanboys at the Halo 3 launch, I’ve been prompted to pose this seriously challenging question to both myself and you: Why the hell can’t rich people dress properly? More specifically, why can’t rich geeks wear clothes that stop them looking like rich geeks?
I understand that old-school nerds have the innate ability to dress like, well, nerds, but that’s because most of them aren’t owners of multi-billion dollar companies and have more important things to spend their hard-earned cash on. Like Master Chief USB memory sticks.
But the likes of Branson, Gates and Jobs have no excuse. Millions of
pounds and dollars spill into these guys’ accounts everyday – if
they’re too busy to go shopping themselves, why not go a bit Hollywood
and pay someone to style them up?
Even if they scrubbed up a bit for public appearances for, say, promotions of major product releases, it would be a start. Then they
could go back to looking like fat, middle aged women who stopped
dressing up because their husbands just don’t care any more…
Check out a few more badly dressed nerds, and the solutions to their problems, below.
OK Richard, first off, get that hair cut, Beauty and the Beast finished years ago. A misunderstood but ultimately heroic man-lion you are not. And those jeans with those shoes? I think not. They’re about three inches too long for a start. The jeans I mean, not the shoes. Solution: wear a suit for once.
Ah, the classic geek look: Button up shirt; buttoned all the way up (and tucked in), belt loops; no belt, over dyed jeans and, the clincher, really bad shoes. I can’t even tell if they’re trainers or moccasins. Steve Jobs has helped build some of the sexiest looking hardware in existence and still he dresses like he’s Chairman of the Larry David fan club. Solution: dress like an iPhone.
Other Steve, what are you, a founding member of the most popular electronics company in the world or a jaded shopping-centre security guard who doubles as the resident Santa at Christmas? If we stuck you in a vest and a ripped pair of jeans you’d look like an extra in Road House. And lose those pleats, Mr Wozniak. Nothing says "fatman" more than pleated trousers. Solution: aim to dress like Jobs does now. It’d be a surefire improvement.
Sandals. Jeans. Office. Only two of those words should be said in the same breath, Mark Zuckerberg. One of them should never be uttered at all. Why not just go all out and wear flesh coloured socks with them? You look like a 13 year old German tourist who’s taking his last holiday with his family before going home and discovering European hardcore tecno. And you don’t want to go there, trust me. Solution: go barefoot to board meetings.