It seems that Tranny and Spewsannah, have tired of thinking up new things for women to have complexes about and have turned their gorgon gaze onto men. But because men are little better than amoeba, they’re keeping it really simple. These broads have written whole books detailing a brand new lexicon of shapes to describe women’s insecurities; we men get a pamphlet. And a patronising pamphlet at that. Their Male Dress Code is downloadable here.
The design is based on the highway code cos men like to drive. When we can stop our knuckles getting in the way of the foot pedals that is. Ugg. There are 3 mercifully simple principles to follow: Know Your Shape; Look for Ideas; Try it On.
Look, I know its confusing, but try and keep up.
Using the handy illustrations, you first identify which of the 6 shapes that men come in, best describes you. Are you top heavy, or thin or do you have a thick neck, beer belly, short legs or man boobs?
Once you’ve positioned yourself on this axis of evil, you can find the right page in the leaflet and it will tell you what you should and should not be wearing. Warning: This bit’s in writing so you might need an adult to help.
Continues… [Image: Getty Images]
Ok, I know men don’t typically shop the way women do, but we’re not stupid. There’s plenty of men who love clothes and those who don’t aren’t idiots, they’re probably just not that bothered. Plus I don’t really hold with dressing rules (especially not ones that tell you boot-cut trousers are a good thing). If you know what you’re doing you can wear anything.
And it’s clear that as far as menswear goes, these two harpies don’t know what they’re doing. As with most things, the proof’s in the pudding and the hapless chumps Trinny and Suse bullied into following their rules on their show didn’t look anything special after their magic treatment. Of course the programme made it look like the Male Dress Code was a foolproof fast-track to sartorial excellence, but really the men just looked like frightened extras from the Next Directory. You don’t need the Male Dress Code, just stick with Brandish and we’ll see you right.